The Self Esteem's Vampire
They are nice people, smart, polite, charismatic... real charmers. The type of people you would like to be friends with.
They are interesting people and usually successful in their field or occupation.
They are great fun to be with, funny (usually cynical) and good-looking.
When such people show an interest in you, you feel lucky, you feel complimented. They confirm that you are worthy. You are motivated to be your best, to invest in this relationship, to be a good friend (meaning to jump when they call). You are so glad to be chosen as their friend that you will do almost every thing to keep it that way.
In the beginning they give you the impression that you are unique and special, that you are, like them, a 'superior person', the elite of the elite. You are "chosen". If they choose you, you are not just anybody. Your "quality" is the base of these relations. They give you compliments, they show interest in what you have to say, give you attention and of course the filling of high status. You trust them, you feel intimate, and you open your self and become vulnerable.
As time passes, they start to withdraw, and you start to court them, you give more - they give less. They keep distant (not answering your calls, do not find time to meet, have other interests etc.) But you still hold their "good friend image" in your mind. You do not notice the shift.
They become demanding...critical; they use the intimacy to emphasize your defects, to be cynical, to put you down. You try to be better, to give more. You are motivated to keep this friendship at all costs. Your self-esteem is on the line.
But, you can never win - you must remain one step behind them. You can not be as smart, funny, interesting or successful as they are.
If and when you notice that pattern of abuse (even if you do not call it "abuse"), and you slowly lose your interest in them, and take a step back from the relationship and become distanced and indifferent, they become charming and loving again, give you attention, complements etc. They will show again their charismatic side, the nice and beautiful face that had caught you in the first place. Most likely you will catch in their net again.
These abusers have a pattern of on-off relationships. You dance with them. When you feel abounded, you try harder, you court them. You remember how it was at the beginning so you have this hope to have it again.
They become your 'vampire'. You feed their self-importance while they are killing your spirit. And when you will be dead, they leave you weak and broken, looking for the next victim.
This archetype of a vampire or the 'Black widow spider' (who kills her male partner after mating with him) symbolizes the people who use others in order to nourish their own self-esteem and self-importance, who actually could never be satisfied...They are like a black hole - just endlessly sucking...
The thing is, they choose you, since they strongly believe that you are great and worthy of their friendship. Otherwise, if you were not valued by them, you could not raise their self-importance.
But paradoxically, they must put you down in order to do that!
Remember: The power is yours! It takes two to tango. You are the one who feeds them! You can stop it! Open your eyes and watch out for the vampires in your life. They are very close. Stop feeding them.
If you read this and find yourself on the vampire side of this equation, your main issue to solve is your self-esteem. But the odds is that you haven't got a slight of awareness about you being a vampire and abuser, you probably think of yourself as a very good, a positive, considerate, polite guy (lady). So this article is not really for you but only for your "victim".
Remember, Self esteem should well from your inner core, not from superciliousness or fawning.
They are nice people, smart, polite, charismatic... real charmers. The type of people you would like to be friends with.
They are interesting people and usually successful in their field or occupation.
They are great fun to be with, funny (usually cynical) and good-looking.
When such people show an interest in you, you feel lucky, you feel complimented. They confirm that you are worthy. You are motivated to be your best, to invest in this relationship, to be a good friend (meaning to jump when they call). You are so glad to be chosen as their friend that you will do almost every thing to keep it that way.
In the beginning they give you the impression that you are unique and special, that you are, like them, a 'superior person', the elite of the elite. You are "chosen". If they choose you, you are not just anybody. Your "quality" is the base of these relations. They give you compliments, they show interest in what you have to say, give you attention and of course the filling of high status. You trust them, you feel intimate, and you open your self and become vulnerable.
As time passes, they start to withdraw, and you start to court them, you give more - they give less. They keep distant (not answering your calls, do not find time to meet, have other interests etc.) But you still hold their "good friend image" in your mind. You do not notice the shift.
They become demanding...critical; they use the intimacy to emphasize your defects, to be cynical, to put you down. You try to be better, to give more. You are motivated to keep this friendship at all costs. Your self-esteem is on the line.
But, you can never win - you must remain one step behind them. You can not be as smart, funny, interesting or successful as they are.
If and when you notice that pattern of abuse (even if you do not call it "abuse"), and you slowly lose your interest in them, and take a step back from the relationship and become distanced and indifferent, they become charming and loving again, give you attention, complements etc. They will show again their charismatic side, the nice and beautiful face that had caught you in the first place. Most likely you will catch in their net again.
These abusers have a pattern of on-off relationships. You dance with them. When you feel abounded, you try harder, you court them. You remember how it was at the beginning so you have this hope to have it again.
They become your 'vampire'. You feed their self-importance while they are killing your spirit. And when you will be dead, they leave you weak and broken, looking for the next victim.
This archetype of a vampire or the 'Black widow spider' (who kills her male partner after mating with him) symbolizes the people who use others in order to nourish their own self-esteem and self-importance, who actually could never be satisfied...They are like a black hole - just endlessly sucking...
The thing is, they choose you, since they strongly believe that you are great and worthy of their friendship. Otherwise, if you were not valued by them, you could not raise their self-importance.
But paradoxically, they must put you down in order to do that!
Remember: The power is yours! It takes two to tango. You are the one who feeds them! You can stop it! Open your eyes and watch out for the vampires in your life. They are very close. Stop feeding them.
If you read this and find yourself on the vampire side of this equation, your main issue to solve is your self-esteem. But the odds is that you haven't got a slight of awareness about you being a vampire and abuser, you probably think of yourself as a very good, a positive, considerate, polite guy (lady). So this article is not really for you but only for your "victim".
Remember, Self esteem should well from your inner core, not from superciliousness or fawning.
Irit Gezler is a personal life-coach for self growth and
empowerment, mentoring people to take their life to the next level and
to improve their life quality and be happy. http://www.coach-yourself.biz
